Repeated after

"To What End?" Has become my recent, repeated motto/saying.

For a good reason, too. It embodies my complete outlook on my/our state of being. At the beginning of summer '09, I was agnostic. Throughout the progression of the summer, I eventually became an atheist. One story motivated such -

"Upon the beginning, there was a universe. The universe was endless and ever-evolving. Inside of the universe was many galaxies which each held many solar systems. Within on solar system - which we shall direct our attention towards - was a planet. On the planet was a kingdom of animals. Their species grew as their beings learned to adapt. The evolved and obtained knowledge. They taught themselves life. They obtained the power to destroy, create, build, breed, idealize, and maintain a sustainable life. The species survived with their creations and knowledge. Then, the planet exploded. The explosion caused no more then a mere hiccup within the solar system. To the universe, it was but a cell falling off."

Of course, this story makes perfect sense to us all - and even those who admit to themselves that the Earth is apart of something bigger. "Of course, dear Madeline, the Earth is nothing more then a planet. We are no more then a civilization on such planet." Of course! Of course! Then excuse me for pointing out, so! But let me continue, because I do persist -

To what end do we search/create/ask/beg/answer/enlighten/dare/live/etc.? I have been told that living - our existence - is nothing more then to enlighten ourselves with knowledge and make the most of our lives. I still insist that we live to survive (survival being the fundamental reason). We must admit the nihilistic being of living, for unfortunately to some, is inevitable. But, with an acceptance of nihilistic attributes within life, we can move on from such. To what end do we continue to persist? We are as it has been, as it will be. The people I hate, the rules that restrict me, the government that controls my laws, are, of course, inevitable. Then why would I struggle against it? People are so interesting, in their most peculiar ways.

I hold my tongue and observe, for you do not know how you behave.

Trip 2

I have returned from California after a ten day vacation with my family and Graham. I enjoyed myself and already miss the opportunities that were presented. Unlike my trip to California last summer, I purchased very little. I got a new dress, a new skirt, and a sweater from the Salvation Army and a thrift store down the street from my grandparent's home. I also purchased five DVDs at a book store - three for $9 and two for $10. They are as followed:

• Lost in Translation (One of my favorite movies which I found for $3)
  
• American Beauty (A movie I have only seen once and remember liking it quite a lot)
  
• Pride and Prejudice (My friend lent it to me to watch once, and it was a pretty film)
  
• Made of Honor (I don't own very many 'chick flicks', so I couldn't resist)
  
• The Butterfly Effect (I have not seen, but I plan on watching it soon)

Also, since I have been home, I have given myself a nice bang on my lower back and scrapped my knee while attempting to take photos of my new clothes to post to show you all. Unfortunately, I gave up due to the frustration from the lack of a tripod.

Self portrait

, originally uploaded by Madeline Packard.

Double exposure of myself and a light.

Singing to insanity

I spent my time studying the faces of the people, and with the wasted time I learned how to cooperate underneath their specific ideals. Don't cross, keep your words to yourself, listen to what we say. Questions asked are doubts unneeded. Don't worry, they say, you'll find your way. No! Not even I will find my own way. He will show me. This controlling lord of my life will tell me what I must sacrifice in my life - what makes me happy - and tell me his decision for I. The good preacher told the crowded room, "For the Lord will never ask you to sacrifice something you love for something that you could not love more. His asking will lead to something worth-while." In a direct translation of his well hidden poison: "God can ask you to give up what makes you happy in order to do something that he wants you to do. And then, when you may think that this 'new' life - the life that he wants you to lead - may not be something you want, you can pray to the good Lord and ask him to show you - you poor, indecisive thing - the reason why he has sent you to this path and he will show you why it is better." In disguise, the preacher has spoken to use god's words in a way for them to seem better suited. For we are truly sheep, and it sickens me to say that we have belittled ourselves to something so. I never understood why god could not leave us be without the worry of his work. "Spread his word, save the souls, see God in his kingdom." Couldn't god have been just a pleasant surprise at the end of this all?

I remember at an Interfaith meeting in my high school a question was asked directed towards those without faith - us atheists, that is. The question posed was along the lines of "If you do not have God or a moral law or code to follow/believe in, then what stops you from killing a man if you were stranded on an island together?" And when this question was asked, I remember how offended I was. Quite sadly, the idea that those without faith are those without ethical reasoning seems to be something proposed frequently by our religious others. Can they be such sheep that they must find their moral code to live by - something as sinister as killing a human - that they must first read it in their holy books? Hopefully there is some that could back hand this argument - those with faith - and tell me how ridiculous this question is. As Sam Harris wrote, saying that ethics is found within your holy books is like saying the logic of 2+2=4 is only found in math textbooks.

For it is just clouds. And what beautiful whispers they are.

Emily's Lake House

We enjoyed our time spent.

Regimes

Layla

, originally uploaded by Madeline Packard.

Join us anytime

Summer has officially, officially begun (as of June 21st). Things have been settled, plans have been made, and I am enjoying spending time with my dear friend Emily (Emilya to me). Consequently, my complete flickr stream is filled with photos of my friend Emily without a break to show new people - giving the impression that I have no friends and that Emily is my only one. Alas, as this may seem true to me, I am finding that this should no longer be the case and that new days calls for new adventures, new people, and ultimately new memories.

Today I am going onto the A&M University campus to work in my mother's lab (Gender Development Lab, that is) and help with some sort of coding for baboons. Do I understand what that means? At the moment, no.

Do I understand why I have been writing this way? No, perhaps it is the early morn.

Scribbler

I scribbled today, quite a lot.

Fun website:
http://www.zefrank.com/scribbler/scribblertoo/

Glimpses into summer, so far

These are my newest summer photos, taken with my Nikon FM10 (35mm film). Though they are not anything worthy to post on my flickr, they are a glimpse into summer 2010 and how I have spent my days - exploring my town with Emily (we found cattails, how strange!), baking deserts and breads, and looking at the clouds.

Speaking of which, I have recently fallen in love with the day-time sky. The clouds have been large, filled with shadows providing it with dimension. It is all so lovely.